Kinky sex, BDSM, bondage, fetish: let’s find out the differences



What is meant by kinky sex? And what falls into the category? We tried to shed some light by asking an expert. Here’s what we found out .

Kinky sex, you hear a lot about it lately. But what is it, actually? What does it consist of? Is it something you do in bed, like the amazon position, or is it more of an abstract concept?

Documenting myself on the Internet, there are those who claim that if you have ever had fantasies about group sex, BDSM, bondage, or even just anal sex, you have explored (if only with your mind, for now), the world of kinky sex.

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So, are we all kinky? But what does that mean then? All these doubts and curiosities I turned them over to Dr. Matteo Merigo, a psychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist, who enlightened us on the subject. Here’s what we learned.

What is kinky sex? What is meant by kinky?

“The term kinky means ‘knot’ and is understood as something that breaks the linearity. It is actually an umbrella term that encompasses multiple aspects of sexuality, but its core is in sensual, ‘unconventional’ sexual practices and behaviors.”

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So, is it the same thing as BDSM?

“As much as kinky and BDSM are often used synonymously, we could differentiate them in the more strictly relational part. Kinky is a set of practices, BDSM is basically a relational form in which two or more people experience a relationship based on the exchange of power and the consensual acceptance of rules and safety systems.

I would like to mention that the BDSM world, and we could include, indeed we should include, the whole relational world, is based on 4 very important rules, which we could summarize as 4Cs: Care, Communication, Consent and Caution.”

What is the difference between kink and fetish?

“Within kink also falls fetish, in fact we could call it a branch of kink. Fetish is the erotic and sensual attraction to objects, materials or elements that normally do not have sexual charge for the majority of the population, but are invested with erotic charge for some. Fetish is extremely varied and subjective. There are people who are attracted to feet, others to leather materials. These do not involve sexuality, that is, ‘genital investment’ (we could call it that), but for some people the erotic investment becomes significant.”

Earlier we were talking about knots… But so what is the difference between knots and fetishes?

“The knot represents an erotic, meaningful and subjective bond. In the knot, the erotic, but more importantly emotional part, binds and unties as a representation of personal experience. For this reason, those who enjoy bondage and shibari, feel in the rope and knot, not only an erotic aspect, but a real affective and emotional investment.

The fetish, from a psychoanalytic point of view, represents a failure to resolve a preadolescent developmental transition. In the fetish, in fact, one invests not only the ancient erotic charge, but also a sense of destruction towards that object. To give an example, a person worships the shoe, but unconsciously has a deep desire in wanting to destroy it. This argument, however, applies to the perverted fetish, where the fantasy between desire and destruction, merges and blurs in its expression.”

Let’s clarify the concept once and for all: what is the knot in psychology?

“In psychology, the knot has a similar representation to the one described above. The knot is not only an element to unravel and understand, but it is also that part that keeps our emotionalities tied up. Remember that our neural network is composed of nodes that carry the information crossed by neurotransmitters. The node is not always to be seen as an evil of our mind, but a solid anchor also to who we are and what we will be later.”

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Why explore knots?

“Exploring one’s knots also means exploring oneself. Nodes also represent dark sides, motivations why we behave in a certain way without having the awareness of why we do so (for example, the classic ‘I’ve always done it this way’). In other words, it means having an awareness of why we have come, for better or worse, to have certain attitudes. By exploring, as always, we understand whether a knot is to be untied or held.”

Perversions and fantasies: how do they manifest? Is it normal to have them?